You Might Also Like
SF is the wild wild west man
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert