I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
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who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions