Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
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[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Breaking news:
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Ok but actually
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.