A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
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At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Look at this
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.