Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
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Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.