An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
You Might Also Like
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
britain’s three elite institutions
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you