Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
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me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I can also cook 😂
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.