[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
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I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
That’s easy for you to say
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
😅🤣😂
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Oh we’ve met.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
How software testing works
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”