Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
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I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I have so many questions.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera