Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
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You take the oxy out of oxymoron
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*