[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
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I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
best first i’ve ever seen
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
That eye roll….
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices