netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
You Might Also Like
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
What personal space?
My dog
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
This tweet has been deleted
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.