The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
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The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.