[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
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PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it