literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
You Might Also Like
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
titanic
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Try and stop me.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically