Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
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That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
me after eating Cheetos
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’