If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
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[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week