[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
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My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.