Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
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My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain