Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
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I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray