Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
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Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months