Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
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Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
i think both sides are to blame here
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”