Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
You Might Also Like
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I’m sure it’s fine.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god