Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
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Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.