If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
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[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN