4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
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GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
#Caturday
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.