[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
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Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*