Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
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Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”