[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
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‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up