My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
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A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
who did the taste test?
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
some cats are just doing for fun!
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?