Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
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You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you