Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
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Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years