my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
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‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*