Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
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Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
umm…
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
This guy gets it.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.