Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
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DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I ate everything, including the H.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.