Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
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Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.