I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
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The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
i will avenge u mr van gogh
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
britain’s three elite institutions
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up