*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
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muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about