Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
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I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
when dads have a rap battle
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?