There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
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The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically