[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
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DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????