What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
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BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
two people or more is called a problem
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
checking out some reviews of my local library
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.