Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
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Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Otters see a butterfly.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.