I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
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Who.
Did.
This?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Feel. He’s so soft.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind