Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
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I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
that’s really how it is
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.