Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
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*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
describing stardew valley
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”