if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
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I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
getting corrected
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”