Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
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A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Software Development ⛵️
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people