Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
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*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
*pronounces surface like Versace*
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Oh the world we live in…
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.