#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
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[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Nice try Hitler
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.